Time has gotten away somehow and now here we are and it’s nearing the end of July already! Temps today are in the high 80’s here in Upstate New York with stifling high humidity and that gives me an excuse to stay inside (as if I need one). Since moving last August into the Village I’ve yet to find a routine. Having lived at the other place for more than 17 years I’d developed a certain rhythm. At the other place there was over 12 acres and lots of broken things. That place called out to me with constant needs and while most of the time I felt a bit overwhelmed, it kept me moving with purpose. One day I might be bringing in wood (manageable sizes, of course) with my lawn tractor and cart to cut with my electric chain saw. Cutting and stacking was satisfying and exhausting. Some days I’d pick up rough cut lumber from the local sawmill to install in my garage. Other days I might be mowing and weeding the many gardens I maintained there. At the end of the day I would be tired but with a feeling of accomplishment.
Now that I’m a village dweller with a completely renovated old house on a half-acre lot without any gardens I’ve been at loose ends. In many ways I’m relieved to have less of a constant to-do list but at the same time I’ve felt adrift. I’ve begun putting in a garden around the front of house and have plans to add an herb garden and more but right now there’s just not a lot that is calling me to do. You might think I’d run to my little Art Spot and grab my brushes or pencils but for some reason I haven’t spent much time in there.
Now that I think about it I suppose I’m on the run from my life. There are many reasons that I won’t divulge here but suffice to say things haven’t turned out the way I’d hoped and so now I’m trying to forge a new path somehow. The move here was the first step and now I’m trying to find the next. I’m feeling like a rock climber scaling a near vertical incline searching for that next spot to place my foot. In the past I’d place a foot on ground that was not a sure and safe spot. With great abandon and sometimes with great foolishness I moved through my life that way for a very long time.
These days, after some serious missteps, I’m much more cautious and perhaps a little afraid. Truthfully I don’t see the next place to put my foot right now and so I wait, living this life and trying like all get out to accept things just as they are and trying to surrender the outcome to God. Acceptance and surrender are surely a challenge for me.
One thing that I have come to realize is that life is about slugging it out the best way you can and when things don’t turn out the way you hoped all you have left is to accept and it’s best to do so with a good attitude if you can muster one.