If you’ve been following my blog you might know that I am a food-a-holic and that I have been struggling in my attempts to unload the extra weight I carry most of my life.  I was born a plus size baby weighing in at 10 pounds 14 ounces (sorry Mum)!  It seems that right from the start I was an overindulger and not much has changed in all of my 56 years.

My battle with the self, self-indulgence and cheesy waffle fries is nothing new.   My most recent fall from the proverbial wagon happened a few months ago after I dropped out of Weight Watchers for what I will call economic reasons.   Whether or not that reason is real or just an excuse will be something left to ponder another day, but what has happened since I attended that last meeting is an undoing of what took months and months to accomplish.   While I’ve not gained all that I lost I have regained a goodly share.  What a darn shame is all I have to say about that.

It’s like I forgot all I’d learned and immediately upon exiting that last meeting I went into automatic eat.  While I’m frustrated and disappointed in myself I haven’t given up on trying to lose this weight but you wouldn’t know it from my behavior lately.  You’d think I had a death wish and the method of my demise would be “suicide by sandwich.”

I suppose the first step to recovery is recognizing the problem and then moving forward in finding a solution.  I believe that people become addicted to food, drugs, alcohol and such because we’re trying to bury something painful, hide from some fear or are trying to sabotage ourselves and our future.  I can see that statement is true for me and I am ready to do the soul work to figure out just what is eating me before I am a true victim of “suicide by sandwich.”

I’ve been putting it off and dreading it but here goes . . . It’s time for a Weight Watchers update – a long overdue Weight Watchers update.

If you know me at all or have followed my blog you won’t be surprised at my making true confessions from time-to-time and if you’re just tuning in CAUTION … CAUTION … Today is the day for another of my true confessions.

I must admit to quitting Weight Watchers about a month and a half ago.   There were a couple reasons why, but the primary reason for my quitting Weight Watchers is purely financial.   We’re all in an economic pinch right now and I am no different.  It just seemed so wasteful to be spending $40 a month just to hop on the scale in front of strangers.  Plus, since I’d already lost nearly 45 pounds I figured I just didn’t need them anymore.  I, after all, had a proven record of success!

I did discovered over the last 10 months that I do indeed possess some amount of self-control, self-discipline and determination.   I began to see a glimmer of hope that I was not destined for life of over weighted blob-dom.  And then I quit . .  and as fast as you can say “hot fudge sundae, extra whipped cream,” my old, bad eating habits re-emerged with a vengeance.

My war with food and my overindulgent nature was on again in my constant, daily struggle with food… all kinds of food.  Just last week I battled a package of Double Stuff Oreos and am afraid that I’m no match for those crunchy, chocolate wafers with double the cream inside.

Even though I’m still here struggling again, I’m determined not to quit.  Now is not the time to quit. There have been far too many successes to toss it all away now.  I will continue to battle the bulge, but am afraid that it will be without my weekly Weight Watcher meetings for a while.  I know that I can do it and know full well that it won’t be a piece of cake but that’s okay nothing that’s worthwhile comes easy.

So onward I go to do battle with the bulge once again.

This weight loss thing is proving to be quite an adventure and at the same time a real struggle.   When my sister (Bethy) and I joined Weight Watchers last August we knew it wasn’t going to be easy and if I told you now that it has gotten easier I’d be lying.

During those first few months we sailed along being buoyed by that beginners enthusiasm.  At that time both Bethy and I were pretty tired of being overweight and all the stuff that goes along with carrying too much bulk.

There’s the lack of energy and the difficulty involved in bending to tie your shoes and then, of course, there is the near impossible task of upping yourself should you somehow end up on the floor.  We were just plain fed up with it all . . . literally and figuratively fed up.   So we jumped into Weight Watchers and I’ve lost nearly 40 pounds to date.

But lately it’s become downright hard, a real battle with the self, that overindulgent self who has ruled me for such a long time.   There is one thing that is pushing me onward and that is these unexpected discoveries about this body of mine.  Things that have long been buried beneath a life of overindulgence are being revealed.

Now you prudish sorts may way to skip this part, but while I was bathing the other night as I soaped my shoulders and neck I discovered these bumps.  It took me a minute to realize these bumps were actually bones!  Collar bones!  My collar bones could be felt near the surface of my skin.  Not only that, when I looked in the mirror later they could be seen – subtly – but they could be seen beginning to create lovely contours.

This discovery of my collar bones prompted a more thorough investigation of the rest of my body and low and behold I found that I have ribs that are just beginning to reveal themselves.   How exciting!  As all this extra weight is dropping away and a new me is taking shape.

Now I acknowledge that I am only half way to my goal and also acknowledge that I am a little afraid of what the final product will be.   I’m not a spring chicken anymore, but I know that whatever shape my body takes it’s mine and I’ll surely look better and feel better regardless of the lumps and bumps I’m left with in the end.