As you may have noticed I have been avoiding blog posts about my Weight Watchers adventure.  Could it be because I quit a few months ago?  Likely. Could it be because since I quit a few months ago there has been a struggle going on with every conceivable kind of food you can image?   Very likely and you needn’t guess who is winning most days.

I knew that quitting was risky, but my economy dictated at least a temporary parting with Weight Watchers.  I’ve learned a great deal since last August about good healthy eating and how great it makes you feel when you consume in moderation.  You’d think that would be enough to keep me on track but instead what’s happened is I graze through most days and nights lately.  I am an addict of that I am certain.

Why I wonder can’t I become addicted to exercise or eating collard greens but no . . . for me it’s a moist, dark-chocolate brownie or ten.  Some days its ungodly amounts of Eddy’s sugar free fruit bars. Heck at 100 calories a pop I can eat two boxes!  Another day it might be beer and pizza with a side order of the most delectable buffalo, blue cheese sticks you will ever taste.

I start each morning with good intentions thinking that today will be the day I start again and most of the day I do okay.  It’s when I walk through that door at home after work that my food marathon begins.

My friend, Kathy (in Canada) volunteered to be my check point, reporting to her each week with my ups and downs while I’m taking a break from weighing in with Weight Watchers.   I do intend to do so, but something in me right now is on a food bender.

I realize that my lifetime struggle with food will be a lifetime struggle, an ongoing, never ending battle with the self, self-indulgence and food all kinds of food.   My name is Rainey and I am a junk food eating, fat fingered, fifty-something woman with good intentions and fighting spirit.

In spite of this struggle with food, there are things to be thankful for.  I am grateful to have felt success.  I know now that I can do it and I will do it, I am not a quitter.  I’m also grateful to I have a great support system.   My friends and family are stepping forward to offer words of support and motivation.  It seems we’re all in this together, I am not alone.  This chunky gal with fat little fingers isn’t done yet trying to tame the beast.

I’ve been a scale hopper over the last month or two.  Most weeks you’ll find me running into the closest Weight Watchers weigh-in and then promptly leaving.  Sometimes I’ll skip it altogether and that is a recipe for failure.

Another thing I can tell you about that behavior is it feels like I’m going it alone and my weight history has proven going it alone isn’t prudent or recommended for me right now.  Being part of a supportive group with people who truly understand is essential.   This addiction of mine is rough stuff, my binging nature continues to rear its ugly head and I’m just not at all sure how to tame the beast.

So it was with that knowledge that I headed to Cobleskill after work for a Tuesday night WW meeting.   In a room full of strangers I felt less alone in my struggle and as I sat in the meeting it felt good not to be running and skipping.  Perhaps I’ve finally found a place to rest my weary soul and fuel up on positive reinforcement and maybe just maybe I should slow down and take the time to honor myself.  I’m worth the time.

Sometimes in this fast-paced existence in which we live we refuse to take the time necessary to nurture ourselves.  I’m going to take the time because I can see that so much of who we are is tied up in how we treat ourselves, our bodies and our soul.  In order for us to live the life we were meant to live time needs to be spent and avoidance is not the answer.  I looked around the room at the faces of strangers and hope that before long we will be bonded in a way only made possible by sharing a common struggle and conquering  it a meeting at a time.

Weigh-in day, that’s today, and there will be no more guessing about how I’ve spent my time as I step onto that scale.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been as faithful to getting weighed each week as I should have been and can come up with dozens of excuses why.  Here are a few of my most persuasive excuses.

- I needed to spend the evening fund raising for the needy (can’t argue with that);

- Bethy didn’t want to go (might as well throw her in the bag);

- I thought I might have gained (now that’s a good reason to stay way);

- I need to make a call [for pizza, extra cheese]!

I know . . . not good, but ya know the funny thing is that in spite of all the excuses and sporadic weigh-in schedule I haven’t fallen off the Weight Watching wagon completely.  This new commitment to becoming healthier is somehow pushing me forward in spite of myself.

But I can’t ignore the fact that I know my resolve would be stronger if I would only tap into all the tools Weight Watchers has to offer.  The weekly weigh-in coupled with the meetings are immensely helpful.   The nutritional information and feedback from others provided at weekly meetings are invaluable resources.  I know this to be true and no amount of avoidance can make it otherwise.

So tonight I will step on that scale, get the facts and hope the darn thing doesn’t rat me out.

It's so wrong to binge on a bunch BANANAS! So wrong... but it could be worse far worse!

My life is in a shambles, I’m frustrated beyond all measure and the only thing that can console me is a bender, a food orgy of the greatest magnitude!  Even though I know for sure that pigging out will not help solve my problems, the only thing I can think of when the urge to binge hits is, “What can I eat?”

Picture this . . .

It’s Tuesday or maybe it snowed two feet or maybe the dog pissed me off and that’s all it takes as I scurry to the kitchen and yank open the cabinets in an “I’ll eat anything” frenzy!   Nothing!  Then to the refrigerator I go where I jerk open the door nearly tearing if off its hinges.   Again nothing!  Nothing but the good healthy fare I’ve been partaking of these days.

Back again to the cabinet.   That’s when I spy that box of not-so-healthy cereal I purchased last Friday without thoroughly reading the label and the darn stuff can talk!  Who knew?!  As it calls out to me saying, “Eat me quick,” I hastily grab for the box and my food bender begins.  There seems to be no stopping me!  The truth is nothing can stop me but me.

What I need to remember is that I’ve been faithful to the Weight Watcher’s program (mostly) since last August and have lost more than 35 pounds.  I need to remember that keeping life’s most tempting delights out of the house has saved me more than once.  I need to remember that eating a few too many bananas is ions better than eating a box of cereal and a bunch of bananas and a chocolate bar and whatever else isn’t nailed down.

I need to remember that when the the urge to hoover up a load of food visits I must be strong and focused and say no to the binge and yes to a healthy new me!  Yes, that’s my plan for the next time the binging me surfaces and starts looking for a bunch of bananas.