"The Bog" Pencil

Watching my good friend, Anne, prepare for her art show at the William F. Sanford Library, in Colonie (on display for the month of March) has prompted me to ponder just where I am in my relationship with my art.  After a fair amount of reflection I’ve come to a conclusion, several actually.

One thing I realized is that while I’ve not been a complete slacker when it comes to painting or drawing I have not been sufficiently committed.  I dream of a life where my art is a forethought instead of an afterthought but my behavior says otherwise.  That’s when it dawned on me that I’ve been operating somewhere between a dream and a goal when it comes to my art.

I dream of a life with art as my central focus but have not implemented a solid plan on how I expect to get there from here.   I’m famous for excuses as to why I haven’t lifted a brush.  Excuses like my working full-time with a long commute are always good ones to use, but Anne also works full-time with a travel job.  (There go those excuses.)  I’m sure I could come up with plenty more excuses but what’s the point?  I’m only robbing myself of any chance to be a bonafide artist painting the hours away in quiet solitude.

I’ve witnessed what it really means to have a goal and seen also how much effort and commitment are required to get there.  The question then becomes am I willing to do what it takes to make my dream a reality?  The answer is “yes” I’m willing but am I disciplined enough to stick with it?

Anne tells me there have been lots of benefits to her regular painting schedule and that even now with the show hung and on display she is still drawn to her art room.  I yearn for that kind of relationship with my art where we meet each day and are happy to be together.

So… I have made a short-term goal, which I’ll keep to myself for now, but I am assuredly committed and ready to do what it takes.   Now is the time to stop lingering somewhere between my dream and my goal.

Blue Jay Finished! Pencil

Drawing… I absolutely love to draw.  Why then is it that at times the very thing that I love to do most – making marks with pencil on paper – can bring so many of my insecurities to the surface of my mind?

The process is so simple.  Starting with a blank piece of paper so full of promise I begin by making my marks and then erasing, more marks and more erasing.  Moving away and observing from a distance I will evaluate my marks with a critical eye.  It’s so wrong I might think.  Why didn’t I see that distortion before?  More erasers and more marks, blending and smudging my marks take shape.  Somewhere in the middle I can see that it isn’t at all what I had hoped.  The unfinished work might then be left alone for days, weeks or months perhaps never to be finished.

Tonight as I sat looking at this Blue Jay drawing I wanted to quit and start something else.  I could see some marks were wrong and at this stage it is too late to make any major corrections.  Frustration and disappointment nearly overtook my better judgment and knowledge that  it’s always better to finish.  What’s learned in finishing is far greater a lesson than quitting.  Quitting erodes our confidence and opens the gateway in the future to abandoning other worthwhile projects when things get difficult.

So I finished and I’m glad to have done so.  I just can’t quit.  God gave me this desire and ability to record what I see and I’ll not return this blessing unused.

The tools... bifocals and magnifying glass for these old eyes and pencils of course.

I read something today on one of the blogs that I follow – Cheri Walton’s Dogs Chickens and Me – that made me really think. In one of Cheri’s older posts she wrote “you can’t wait for time or inspiration to motivate you to create. That muse has to be forcibly kidnapped and wrestled from the nowhere into the here.”

Those wise words have been haunting me all day as I roll them around in my head over and over again. They haunt me as I remember the last few days without art or writing. They haunt me because I know that I have been indulging myself by claiming to be tired from the weekend of travel and then, of course, tired from working and commuting. All legitimate reasons for being tired but not reason enough to stay away from the very thing that feeds my soul and gives my life purpose.

This avoiding that I’ve been doing is no good and a waste of precious time. I find time and am not too tired to watch mindless television or one of my NetFlix movie rentals. I wonder if I’m trying to escape my own life by dropping into the lives of others. I’m feeling like a coward and a quitter lately so it’s no wonder I’m on the run. And then I read Cheri’s wisdom and I realized that I needed to kidnap my muse and wrestle my self-doubt and excuses until they are gone for now from here.

So tonight I did force myself into the art room, I sat at my desk, sharpened my pencils and started to work again on the Blue Jay drawing I started more than a week ago. I’m feeling uncertain and my confidence is shaky but I can’t wait for inspiration or time or confidence for that matter. It’s time to wrestle the demons out of my mind and trust that God’s gift will find me as I return.

I started this drawing a couple of days ago and as happens in life I got sidetracked before finishing.  Monday I basically ignored it and Tuesday was my cartoon day.  Now here we are it’s Wednesday and I haven’t touched that Blue Jay drawing in days.  Time just seems to slip away somehow.

I had hoped to do something creative tonight but after work I stopped at the mall to pick up a couple of things and got home later than usual.  Having not had dinner, I was hungry when I got home and was happy to have cooked some pork chops earlier in the week, which I tossed together with some brown rice for dinner.

Finally, after dinner it was time to do something creative.  As I sat contemplating what to do I nearly started another painting and then I saw this Blue Jay drawing sitting there waiting.  So I put away the watercolors and hope to bring my Blue Jay drawing to life on paper.

It always amazes me how when I start to make marks on paper (whether it’s pencil or paint) I instantly feel the day’s stress evaporate.  The repetitive motion of making gentle strokes on the paper feels like meditation and with all my focus on trying to create an illusion of soft feathers my undivided attention leaves no room in my mind for worry or stress.  What a perfect way to let go and just be.

Each time I move from one medium to another my enthusiasm is renewed and I’m in love again with pencil or watercolors or oils or glitter and glue.  I love it all.  It is my Zen!

The finally finished pencil sketch.

It’s way past my bedtime but I wanted to post a little something I’ve begun working on.  I’ve decided it’s time again to go through my half-finished artwork and finish some stuff.  I’ve got all kinds of things in various stages of incompleteness.  Things in my sketch books and on scraps of paper strewn about my art room are all waiting for my hand to finish… finally… good or bad.

I realize that a finished project – whether good or bad – is better than an unfinished project any day of the week.  There’s potential for each unfinished piece to be something special but the most important thing to be learned here is to finish what is started.  I suppose I could come up with lots of excuses for my bad habit of leaving projects undone but excuses don’t get mean squat.

I remember when I was a kid.  We were living in Alabama and our church was having a poster contest.  I don’t remember exactly what the subject of the poster was supposed to be but I remember starting mine with great enthusiasm.  I had the thing drawn and partially colored and then the day of submission was at hand.  I finished the thing hastily just before we headed to church and I submitted it into the competition.  I recall coming in third or fourth and thinking if I’d only applied myself I could have been a winner.  Now here I am all these years later doing the same thing.

In all fairness, I don’t do it all the time.  I finish way more projects than are left undone these days, but that’s not good enough.  I want to always find the courage, perseverance and inner reserves to complete things to the best of my ability.  It’s a commitment I need to make to myself because you never know you which effort will make you a winner.

I’m determined not to look back on my life with “what if’s” haunting me in my old age.  What?!   I am old you say… well I don’t want “what if’s” around at any age so I’m going to get crackin and get ready for the next poster contest.  I’m gonna be a winner this time!

Sketch - My Living Room , Colored Pencil

I got home late tonight after having dinner with my good friend SG.  We worked together quite some time ago, became very close and make a point of meeting for dinner regularly.  We know each other well and bonded immediately after finding out we both have twin sons.  Susan’s sons are grown and on their own as are mine but we had that base and built from there into the best of friends.

Our temperaments are very different but one thing we agree on is that the Cheesecake Factory is our favorite spot to dine only tonight we deviated from our normal routine and ate at a place in Crossgates Mall that was having a $20.12 three course meal special.  The food was good and our conversation nonstop!

After dinner (without a white chocolate caramel macadamia nut cheese cake for dessert) we headed to the Apple Store with my computer that seemed to have exploded.   I had hoped to have it looked at and possibly fixed but didn’t realize that you need an appointment at the Apple Store – who knew?!   I was nearly sent away without having one of the “Cool” Apple experts take a look at my laptop but with my insistent friend SG at my side they did manage to squeeze me and my laptop in for a quick look without an appointment.

I’ll tell you I was relieved to find that my it was only a defective battery and even more relieved when the Apple Store replaced it for free.  Yes for free!  Holy Cow.  I figured it was going to cost me big and now that it hasn’t I feel lucky.  Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket … it seems things are going my way!