Blue Jay Finished! Pencil

Drawing… I absolutely love to draw.  Why then is it that at times the very thing that I love to do most – making marks with pencil on paper – can bring so many of my insecurities to the surface of my mind?

The process is so simple.  Starting with a blank piece of paper so full of promise I begin by making my marks and then erasing, more marks and more erasing.  Moving away and observing from a distance I will evaluate my marks with a critical eye.  It’s so wrong I might think.  Why didn’t I see that distortion before?  More erasers and more marks, blending and smudging my marks take shape.  Somewhere in the middle I can see that it isn’t at all what I had hoped.  The unfinished work might then be left alone for days, weeks or months perhaps never to be finished.

Tonight as I sat looking at this Blue Jay drawing I wanted to quit and start something else.  I could see some marks were wrong and at this stage it is too late to make any major corrections.  Frustration and disappointment nearly overtook my better judgment and knowledge that  it’s always better to finish.  What’s learned in finishing is far greater a lesson than quitting.  Quitting erodes our confidence and opens the gateway in the future to abandoning other worthwhile projects when things get difficult.

So I finished and I’m glad to have done so.  I just can’t quit.  God gave me this desire and ability to record what I see and I’ll not return this blessing unused.

The tools... bifocals and magnifying glass for these old eyes and pencils of course.

I read something today on one of the blogs that I follow – Cheri Walton’s Dogs Chickens and Me – that made me really think. In one of Cheri’s older posts she wrote “you can’t wait for time or inspiration to motivate you to create. That muse has to be forcibly kidnapped and wrestled from the nowhere into the here.”

Those wise words have been haunting me all day as I roll them around in my head over and over again. They haunt me as I remember the last few days without art or writing. They haunt me because I know that I have been indulging myself by claiming to be tired from the weekend of travel and then, of course, tired from working and commuting. All legitimate reasons for being tired but not reason enough to stay away from the very thing that feeds my soul and gives my life purpose.

This avoiding that I’ve been doing is no good and a waste of precious time. I find time and am not too tired to watch mindless television or one of my NetFlix movie rentals. I wonder if I’m trying to escape my own life by dropping into the lives of others. I’m feeling like a coward and a quitter lately so it’s no wonder I’m on the run. And then I read Cheri’s wisdom and I realized that I needed to kidnap my muse and wrestle my self-doubt and excuses until they are gone for now from here.

So tonight I did force myself into the art room, I sat at my desk, sharpened my pencils and started to work again on the Blue Jay drawing I started more than a week ago. I’m feeling uncertain and my confidence is shaky but I can’t wait for inspiration or time or confidence for that matter. It’s time to wrestle the demons out of my mind and trust that God’s gift will find me as I return.

[Click here to read "The Story of Grace... So Far"]

It was a wonderful, busy, exhausting weekend with my son, Michael, his wife,  Kathy and their awesome little family.  My Mom, Dad and I left early Saturday from Albany and headed south toward Long Island to spend an overnight and finally deliver my Christmas gifts.

I was particularly excited about the gifts I was bringing.  These gifts I either made, painted, wrote or assembled except for the box of diapers for “The Brothers.”  It feels good to give of yourself in some way, much more so than throwing money and buying things that have no real significance or meaning.

The book for Grace … I was very excited to give and once Grace realized the book was all about her she was more interested and I was glad.  Michael and Kathy liked how they were depicted with the exception of the knobby elbows.  I think I heard Michael say in jest, “I hope my elbows don’t look like that.”

It was great being a part of the hectic life that is my son Michael’s if only for a little while.   Nonstop diapers, bottles and burping with little Grace wanting to help in her 3 1/2 year old way, which is sometimes good and sometimes not so good but always filled with love for those brothers!

Getting home last night at around 9:00 p.m. I surely knew that I would need today to recuperate and it did indeed take nearly the entire day.  I’m glad not to have been at work as I’m sure to have been caught sleeping at my desk!

This is the cover ...

Life is happening again and I haven’t touched that Blue Jay drawing in a couple of days.   I haven’t been slacking honest!

“What have you been doing,” you might ask.

Well…now that you’ve asked…

I had this great idea a while back – just after my twin grandsons were born – it came to me that this twin invasion might pose a problem for my three year old granddaughter, Grace.   While Grace was excited about “The Brothers” (as she calls them) her life has changed and it’s hard for a three year old to adjust to all the changes.  So I thought I should write a story about Grace to help her feel special in the midst of this twin invasion.

I’m excited to finally have finished the story and the cartoons and what you see here is the cover.  I feel satisfied also because I had this idea and I said I was going to do it and I did it.

I started this drawing a couple of days ago and as happens in life I got sidetracked before finishing.  Monday I basically ignored it and Tuesday was my cartoon day.  Now here we are it’s Wednesday and I haven’t touched that Blue Jay drawing in days.  Time just seems to slip away somehow.

I had hoped to do something creative tonight but after work I stopped at the mall to pick up a couple of things and got home later than usual.  Having not had dinner, I was hungry when I got home and was happy to have cooked some pork chops earlier in the week, which I tossed together with some brown rice for dinner.

Finally, after dinner it was time to do something creative.  As I sat contemplating what to do I nearly started another painting and then I saw this Blue Jay drawing sitting there waiting.  So I put away the watercolors and hope to bring my Blue Jay drawing to life on paper.

It always amazes me how when I start to make marks on paper (whether it’s pencil or paint) I instantly feel the day’s stress evaporate.  The repetitive motion of making gentle strokes on the paper feels like meditation and with all my focus on trying to create an illusion of soft feathers my undivided attention leaves no room in my mind for worry or stress.  What a perfect way to let go and just be.

Each time I move from one medium to another my enthusiasm is renewed and I’m in love again with pencil or watercolors or oils or glitter and glue.  I love it all.  It is my Zen!

Click here to find out what the Vienna Finger Challenge is all about.

Yes, I finally opened the package of Vienna Fingers on Sunday, the “two Vienna Finger day.” There seemed to be no point in waiting any longer because I was just transferring my binging nature onto other things (many other things).

Once I’d opened the package I discovered several cookies were broken into pieces and there were chips and cracks on most of the others. I counted the cookies and stacked them neatly in a plactic container resisting the temptation to eat the bits and pieces. As I stacked and counted I realized that with more than twenty cookies in a package, eating them at a pace of one per day two on Sundays there is a legitmate risk they’ll go stale before I finish the lot!

Anyway… on day one – Sunday – I brewed a cup of tea and sat with my two cookies. As I ate I savoured each bite tasting the cream and crunch something I would have barely noticed if I’d pounded down the whole package. Then on Monday after dinner I sat again with one cookie this time and a cup of tea. Then tonight – day three – when I sat with just one cookie it didn’t seem like enough somehow. I wasn’t hungry but one cookie just wasn’t satisfying. I was tempted to take another but the deal is one VFC per day two on Sunday. There was the dilemna… I wanted more and what I did after that I am not proud of.

What was that. What did you do?!” you ask.

Well I have these other cookies in the cabinet – animal crackers, chocolate animal crackers – and I took a handful of those and ate them along side my ONE Vienna Finger Crème Filled Sandwich Cookie.  So technically I’m still on track with the Vienna Finger Challenge I don’t care what you say!

The Brothers at nearly five months.

Just had to share a photo of my grandsons, Michael and Matthew.   I wouldn’t be a bona-fide grandmother if I didn’t share picture of my grand kids from time to time!

Scribbling and splashing with watercolor, colored pencil and marker. Just having fun.

Even though I played powder puff football my senior year of high school I’ve never been a huge football fan and with tonight being the night of the “big game” (the Super Bowl) I’m a bit adrift.

I do know who’s playing… That would be the New York Giants and the New England Patriots.  The Giants do their training in Albany but that’s not a good enough reason to make me a fan.  I know nothing about the New England Patriots except that my co-worker Bill is rooting for them.

There’s got to be something significant for me to jump on board as a “fan.” Since I don’t follow every game of the season what I usually do is the day of the Super Bowl I randomly pick a team and then as the game goes on if the team I’ve selected is winning then I start to feel bad for the other team.  I know that this wishy-washy attitude is not that of a loyal fan.

Tonight I’m sort of rooting for the Giants but they’re losing right now and I’m pretty sure if they were winning I’d have a secret wish for the Patriots to rally.  All this confusion over who to root for leaves me with no choice but to watch the game for the commercials and the Half Time show while painting a watercolor sketch and scratching Luvy’s head.

I do wish I had a team to root for and Bill tried to help me figure out which team I might root for next season.  I told him I liked the football player who prays before every game.  Bill tells me he plays for the Denver Broncos, which works out well for me because my baby brother lives in Colorado plus I like horses.  Cool… I’ve got a team, I am a fan.

But the problem is the Denver Broncos are not in the Super Bowl so until next season I’ll remain a fan without a team.

Until then… Rah Rah Rah for whoever’s losing!

It was a sad morning for me but a new beginning for Funny Face.  I packed up her dish and blanket and brought her to the Ayres Memorial Animal Shelter around one o’clock or so.   The kind young woman who I’d been dealing with over the phone was there to receive Funny Face at the shelter and she assured me that they would find her a home.   I was told that the Maine Coon look that Funny Face possesses is in great demand (who knew) and that once her photo is on the website they expect to have many who will be anxious to adopt her.  I felt better knowing that and once I saw how much they, at the animal shelter, cared for all the animals I feel more certain now it was the right thing to do.

Even knowing it was the right thing to do I still felt sad and rudderless today.   I needed to escape and think about something else so I headed to Cobleskill to take in a movie.  Cobleskill, New York is a small town about 10 miles away with the Park Theater, which is one of the old movie theaters with red velvet seats, a large dark curtain that comes open as the movie begins and American flags on either side of the screen.  The cost of a movie is a throwback as well at $4.00 a ticket,  popcorn is a whopping $1.00 a box and candy cigarettes are still for sale for 50 cents.  The locals come from miles around to see first run movies me among them tonight.

Meet Funny Face. Say a prayer she finds the best home ever.

As you may remember I adopted two cats last July. It seemed like the right decision at the time and it still is. Then as destiny would have it just after after bringing Little Missy and Luvy Duvy home a stray cat showed up.  I caught sight of the cat sitting on the rock wall near the road at the end of my driveway.  I felt bad for the darned thing. He or she was ragged, scruffy, dirty and near starving so I kept my distance not knowing whether she was rabid or crazed.

The cat hung around for a while and after it disappeared I decided it was my moral obligation to help another of God’s creatures so I put a bowl of catfood on the rock wall.  No harm in that I supposed.  The thing is once you feed a stray they become yours.  You can be assured they will return time and again and that’s what happened here.

This cat turned out to be as affectionate and sweet as any cat I’ve ever known.  The problem was I had no idea what cat diseases this feline might possess so I set up a cozy spot in the garage with wood shavings, blankets and a heat lamp then made an appointment at the vet.

It turned out the cat is a “she” who was emaciated and very sick.  I was sent home with antibiotics and such and that first trip to the vet would not be my last. I could quickly see that taking responsibility for another animal would not fit into my already stretched budget and no matter how sweet she might be I needed to find her another home.

I called the local animal shelter and was told there was a waiting list and that the wait would be lengthy due to the number of pets displaced during Hurricane Irene.  That was months ago and now “Funny Face” (as I came to call her) has become fit and healthier.

I considered keeping her myself but harmony could not be reached with the other two and the financial responsibility would be too great and so tomorrow I’m taking Funny Face to the animal shelter. I’ve been assured that they will find her a good home and she will stay with them until she gets one.  She deserves that… she really does.

I know it is the right thing to do but it already feels sad and I know it will be harder tomorrow.  I’d considered keeping her myself and letting her stay in the garage but that’s no life for an animal with so much love to share.  She deserves a home of her own with her own people to scratch her head and give her treats.

I can tell you that doing the right thing feels hard and sad and I’m beginning to second guess my decision.  But then I realize that my keeping Funny Face here would be a selfish thing to do because I know that there has a better place waiting for her.  There’s just got to be someone out there who will see her Funny Face and choose her and take her home to be spoiled and loved.